When I was a kid, my best friend lived across the street. Proximity was a huge factor. We’d meet up after school and ride our BMX bikes or skateboards around the neighborhood. We’d play Nintendo at my house or trade Garbage Pail Kids at hers — until one of us got called home for dinner. Life was simpler then. We eventually grew apart... going our different ways after high school, becoming different people, defined by new interests… as things go.
In college, most of my friends were fellow (photo)journalism majors that I spent many, many hours at the student paper with. We bonded over our newfound passion and shared frustration. Then graduation came and we were scattered around the country on various internships, jobs, or grad schools. Some of us kept in touch, some didn’t. But we’d catch up at the Atlanta Photojournalism Seminar, an NPPA conference, or later GeekFest, slipping back into familiar rhythms and picking up where conversations had left off — as if no time had passed at all. The shared interest has helped keep us tethered even if geography doesn’t.
Along the way, I started APhotoADay (a listserv turned photo community, where you could send one photo a day max for constructive feedback.) In the early days, when there were only like 20-30 people on the listserv, we’d all jump in an AOL chatroom late at night and get to know each other better, and talk about everything but photography. I still consider some of those folks to be some of my best friends to this day, even though none of us live in the same city.
Then I got a staff job at a newspaper, and my chosen family and closest friends were my coworkers — we’d celebrate birthdays and each other’s accomplishments, have dinner, drinks, and a lot of fun together outside of work. Then we all went our separate ways, too. Most of us went freelance, a few are still on staff there or somewhere else, and others got out of the business altogether.
At some point, you hit an age where people in your social circle partner up and pair off, have kids, dive deeper into careers, and have other things pulling at their time and interests. People’s priorities and interests evolve and change. I get it.
And being a freelancer adds a whole ‘nother layer. We don’t have that built-in social circle… no coworkers to eat lunch with, or walk to get an afternoon coffee with… no like-minded people to talk to during the day.
When I moved 3,000 miles across the country from FL to LA, a place I’d never been and where I didn’t know a soul, I was lucky. I made good friends at the dog park, whom I lovingly called the dog pack. I also started a #tacosyfotos monthly lunch for freelance photographers where I met some great people.
Then I moved back across the country, this time to DC, where I was starting anew — again. And it weirdly seems to get harder each time. Maybe it’s me. I’m older (er, wiser) now. I have different priorities now. I’m pickier now, too.
But DC is tough, by its very nature. It also has a different feeling than anywhere else I’ve lived. “So what do you do?” is always the first question. There’s a competitive vibe, and everyone thinks everyone else is possible competition. If you’re not on the Hill every day making pictures for the wires or a handful of big publications — and you’re not a part of that world — you’re a bit of an outsider.
And then the pandemic hit, and we all retreated into our own silos.
Needless to say, I’m still trying to figure out this whole making friends as an adult thing. Since I can’t rely on geography as much (work, school, the cool kid across the street), so I’m now trying to rely on things like shared interests. and activities.
I ride my bike a lot, so I reached out to a woman on Strava who was looking for other women to ride with in a DC cyclist group. We’ve ridden a few times now, and so that’s promising. Sometimes, I even ride with another photographer and it’s always fun because when you go out for a 2-3 hour ride, you talk — a lot — about everything and anything, and usually very little about work. I’ve also joined a book club (though I haven’t made a monthly gathering just yet — work, travel, COVID times), but these are smart women that I’d like to be friends with. I’m bringing back the #tacosyfotos freelancer lunches soon, so hopefully, that’ll be a good way to meet some more photographers outside of “work” and get to know them away from the camera. I’m also thinking about starting up a game night on my back porch, perhaps a monthly gathering featuring Farkle or Settlers of Catan and beers. But it’s hard. Life is hard. It’s better with connection and friends.
I don’t know, I’m trying. I’m an introvert who really likes good conversation and having fun and getting real… with smart, fun, nice people. Is that so much to ask?
I’m would love to hear your tips and about things that have worked for you!
So, all of this has me wondering:
And reading things like:
How Loneliness is Damaging Our Health
The Limits of Friendship and Dunbar’s number explained and/or debunked
The Science and Philosophy of Friendship: Lessons from Aristotle on the Art of Connection
And listening to nice, smart people confess similar things: OK, I’ll admit it: I’m a Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach fan girl after meeting and photographing them for People Magazine a few years ago. So it’s not surprising that one of my guilty pleasures is their podcast We Can Do Hard Things. Recently they’ve gotten vulnerable and asked some hard questions trying to tackle the issue of friendship in several episodes that are worth a listen: FRIENDSHIP: What is it and why do we need it now more than ever? & How Do We Make–and Keep–Good Friends & Reese Witherspoon on Friendship: What, Like It’s Hard?
Love this, M. Thank you.
My mother, who lived an epic 103 years and her mind was still good, always had friends touching base. As the years passed, her friends were younger and younger, which was good for her. I am my mother. I hope to learn from her.